I Know Who I AM

by Robert Alan Silverstein


I chose to come here. I know that now. Finally it's all clear.

Until this moment, I've never felt anything as Truth, except for one thing. I never belonged. Ever. But I could never understand why. I've always felt that there was something inside me that haunted my dreams and every waking moment, tormenting me with the feeling that the world just wasn't right; it isn't the way it COULD be and SHOULD be.

For as long as I can remember, I have always felt that the universe was cruel. So needlessly cruel. I could never shake a heaviness in my heart, a burden I carried - the knowledge that trillions upon trillions of living creatures suffer here in this world, on and on and on, since the beginning of time. And yet, I always felt that there was something more. Some secret beautiful truth that was just beyond reach. If only I could reach it, it would answer every question and everything would be transformed in the blinking of an eye. In an instant the pain and suffering would be washed away and no one would ever have been alone in a pointless universe, and every life would have had and will have meaning and purpose forever and ever.

Somehow more than half a lifetime had slipped away, and I was still lost and more disconnected from the world than ever. In a desolate moment of reflection, like so many others before, I found myself looking back over my life. Trying to understand where I've been. Where I'm going. I saw the thousands and thousands of little and somewhat big things that I'd done to try to change the world, driven by that haunting vision of what should be. But I didn't really change anything, because it's all still going, on and on, the way it always has, and it looks like it always will. And somehow the message of hope that I felt so strongly inside, hope that we should create that better world that has always haunted my waking and sleeping dreams, somehow, it never came out right when I've tried to express it. Somehow, no one ever heard or seemed to really care. Somehow I stand here, more alone than ever. And I can't understand why.

That's the way it has always been. Until this moment of clarity, manifested in a teary melancholy sigh of reflection, when suddenly I heard a breath of truth. Like the whisper of an angel. An angel who knows my name. An angel who knows who I AM.

"You chose to come here," Maya, my angel whispers in a sweet caress of truth and understanding and the darkness around my heart begins to lift. I feel her presence and I begin to See who I AM.

I chose to be born here. In this tragic universe born in violence and rapidly crashing towards its apparent inevitable destructive end.

Lost and found in Maya's embrace, I SEE now that this is but one of an infinite array of living universes, and that my true home is one of peace and tranquility, meaning and purpose. Peacetopia. Where all Life is treasured. I Chose to be born here, because I could not bear to know that life in this universe had no meaning at all, no point, no purpose except to follow the design of its universe's creation leading on to its inevitable destruction.

I Chose to be here to try to save this universe from itself. To help guide the evolution of collective consciousness, to recognize that there is potential for transformation, even here. It need not be this way even with these flawed cosmic laws that guide this universe.

In that moment of clarity, I know who I AM. I know why I am here. "But Maya, I'm so tired of being so alone, here," I cry as I hold her presence close and refuse to let go.

"But you're not alone…" she whispers. "So many others have come here, too, throughout history. But we forget who WE ARE and why we CHOSE to be here. Each of us sees, some from a very early age, how cruel this universe is. And each of us has, at some point, an Awakening, when we understand the potential of what this Universe CAN BE."

I am starting to remember.

"And we know in that moment of clarity, why we are here, why WE CHOSE to be here: To do all that we can to ease suffering, and collectively, to transform our world into a more peaceful, just and sustainable place. And in that moment of clarity we feel connected to those we've loved like we never really felt before, and we see they Know us after all, and we understand them and recognize our shared role in the adventure to change the universe that we're working together to explore. But then the cold reality of this universe jars us back into our lives so that we barely recall the Truth of our beings, and no longer feel connected in a way that matters … until another moment of clarity comes, and we are once again filled with hope as we remember again, the true meaning and purpose of our lives."

It makes perfect sense, here in the comfort of an angel's embrace. But I also remember all too well the loneliness of a Utopian Dreamer's life, and the many times those who I thought would understand, turned away and left me alone with my dreams.

"Be patient with them when you recognize fellow Dreamers," Maya whispers. "Sometimes it's so hard to remember who WE ARE. Keep reaching out. Keep trying to work together, helping each other remember that you're in this world but not of this world. You are still connected to Peacetopia, that timeless, spaceless place where all are free and there is no suffering or pain. Only love, forever and ever."

The clarity is fading. Maya is gone. But the understanding remains. I know who I AM, and why I am here.



© 2011 Robert Alan Silverstein


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